Ground Floor

So I haven't posted in years. But I feel like i have no one else to talk too. I'm not happy with my life. Lost I guess. I feeling like I am no where near what I wanted my life to be. I'm stuck in a loving relationship with a great man that loves me, makes me the center of his world, and wants to be with me more than anything. However all i want to do is cheat on him and have sex with as many guys as i can. We've been together 10 years and things are just not the same as they once were..I've found out that guys like me and want to do stuff with me. So now I want to have these experiences since I've been with only one man for these past 10 years. I'm an awful person.

I need them, yo!

Add me and I'll add you!

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Thank you and good night!

So I'm in North Carolina, in a hotel room right next to the loudest group of people I have ever heard outside of a Maverick's Game. I mean really...maybe they are watching basketball or something. Anyway, something weird happened the other night...I was alone in my room, freshly showered, lounging in my underwear, when suddenly I heard a knock on my door. I thought maybe my TV was too loud and someone from the front desk came by to let me know...so I put on my pants and looked out the peep hole. A nice looking man was standing there and I guess he could see me through the peep hole cause he waved. I opened the door and he swiftly came into my room. Well a rush came over me....oh my god this guy is going to kill me or rob me...it was right out of a made for TV movie. He said "hey man what's up?" I said "who are u?" He said, "am I in the wrong room, I was supposed to meet someone in 129?" I said, "yeah I think this is the wrong room." He quickly exited and said it was a mistake and he was sorry. So I think it was a total hook up thing...he was chatting some guy up on the net and they told him to come over to this hotel and get it on...it was just the way he came right in and was "meeting someone." Am I wrong? He was hot and I should have made a move, but I was really thrown off.

I made it back from PA, and got to see alot of snow for the first time. I've seen snow before but this was a huge amount. I leave again in a few days and won't be back for a week and then do it all over again the next week. I'm at home watching the new Blade movie with Ryan Reynolds. Wait, he's got his shirt off......okay I'm back. We've been working like crazy on the house when we've been home. 3 weeks left till the company shows up and I'm not really looking forward to it at all. I'll most likely be working that entire week anyway so I'm won't have anything to worry about. I'm working tons, the house is a mess, and I love Ryan.....That's the short of it.

So I'm out of Vegas and in PA, just in time for a big winter storm. Yeah!

This takes me back. I saw a lady, much like my mom, with one of these cases. Mom had one in every color, the white one was my favorite. It was so trashy, yet functional. It was always like a treasure chest. She had money, gum, stamps, candy, buttons....you name it.

I'm in Vegas for work, and I'm not enjoying anything the city has to offer and the area I'm in is not so nice. North Vegas to be exact. Maybe it's just me but things here are different than anywhere else. I'll talk more about that later, It's bed time for me.

On the plane, on the way to Vegas today I had a really random flash back to the days when i was in Little Dribblers. LD was a league of 8ish y/o boys that played basketball...blah blah blah....we had a really good team, in fact we were undefeated for that season. Anyhooo....I had this flashback to one morning before a game we all met at McDonald's for breakfast; parents included. I wanted to sit with the adults, but was forced to sit with the other kids and then being the big eater I am, I finished off my breakfast completely and quickly and the other kids made fun of me....I like food. That's what was going through my head on the plane as I finished my pretzels and soda before the plane lady was two rows behind me. Holla

Labels: Childhood, fear, Travel

Well I'm trying to start blogging again on a regular basis. We'll see. I'm crazy busy with work lately and that's okay I guess, but when does work become so involved that you have no life? Is that when you dream about work nightly, or when you think you did something but start to second guess yourself and can't sleep because of it? That's were I'm at right now. Still not sure if it's gone to far. On top of that I've been at this job about 18 months and I'm not sure where to go from here. I plan on staying in this position for at least two years and then start looking for something new/step up in the company, but I don't know where I fit in. Yeah whaaaww!

I have to start being a better friend to everyone. I'm usually quiet and closed off about my personal life because I never know how people will take me being gay. I mean I'm not sure how I feel about it anymore. I am gay. I have a partner of 7 years, we have a house together and a car and a checking account, so why can't I come out? Guys at work want to come over and see my house and want to know what's going on with me, but I would just rather not talk about any of it and not come out and hide it all and let it eat me alive for lying about myself, than just tell them and end my internal nightmare. Why?

Work has been busy the last couple of days. I've been alone and that's really the way I like it because I can just do what I want and pace myself to get things done, but I also like when the guys are there becasue we have a good time together. I also feel like I don't step up at work as much as I should. We go to jobs together and I just sort step back and handle the prep work and let the others do the actual "work" while I just support them and make sure tey have what they need. I do this because they have more experience than me and I feel like they could do it better and faster, and frankly I don't like beng watched and talked about about how I might have done something. I would just rather step back and be in the crowd.
Random I know but that's what's on my mind.

Mom just called me to let me know that Martha Stewart is on Letterman.....wow even my mom knows I'm gay!

Labels: fear, gay stuff, life, random, work

Labels: Chris Evans, Jesse Metcalf, Muscles, pec

I've discovered myspace. I know I'm slow but damn I’ve been missing out. So let’s catch up quickly. This is Josh from Dallas. That's all I have to say. That and where have you been all my life? I mean yeah he's got some drama from what I was reading but I can just look at him right? He's got a cute smile, banging body and a killer style. Everyone love gratuitous abs. That shit eating grin. WOW. Hot!!

Wow I've had two days off and I just now sat down to check e-mail. I was in Pittsburgh for a job and tomorrow I'll be in Jackson, MS for three days on another job. Things are really cool at the new job and that's all I gotta say about that.

Bobby will be home tonight, and we'll get to see each other for roughly 8 hours. I'll have a few days off next week and I'll post more then.

Do you rasterbate?
Go ahead try it.

Also, I started the new job today. I'll post more tomorrow.

~M

Go ahead and try it.

So when I went home recently I got to see one of my cousins. She and I are roughly the same age and are really in very different places. Well let me start from the beginning. We grew up very close, almost best friends; we did everything together, even though lived in different towns. My friends knew her and I knew her friends. Well fast forward to college. I started at UNT in the fall of 99 and she came to visit because she too wanted to go there. I even bought her a bumper sticker so she could put it on her car and stuff. It was really cool. I took her to her advisor meeting and showed her around and got her apartment info. Well she was never admitted because she had a hard time passing the TAAS tests that we unfortunate Texans must take.

So I start getting pressure from my family to help her since I had no problem getting in. I had no idea how to help her. I was horrible at standardized tests. I took my SAT like 4 times and my ACT three times just to get a minimum grade to be considered for acceptance to college. The TAAS tests I took twice. So I got in right? I barely got in and I had to work hard to stay there. School has always come easy for me in a way but college was different. I was coming out and finding out who I was and it was really weird. I didn’t want to do anything. I took 5 years to finish and that was after I failed out and took a forced year off because of academic suspension. So I worked for that whole year, and went back even after people told me I wouldn’t. I knew I would and I did with flying colors. Deans List twice and Presidents List my last semester. However now that I go home with a new job and a seemingly perfect life after graduating I get a very bitter feeling from her and other family because she couldn't get in or because I didn't help. I had NO help at all. I applied on my own and took all of the tests alone and failed and passed on my own. I got government grants and financial aide. I worked and took 21 hours because I wanted too so I could prove to myself and others that I had done it.

She has a baby now and went to cosmetology school and is working at a salon she likes but I still feel very cold when I see her. She's very short with me like I abandoned her. I did not. She could have done what I did. Studied for months and taken classes to help her. It just makes me mad that everyone around me thinks things come so easy for me. I hide things well and don't like to talk about my flaws; I just do what I have too. Now this job even, "You're so lucky because that's a great job." Yeah I know it's a great job, and it took four months to find while I'm going out of my mind into a depression because I felt lost not knowing where I would be this time next year. Lucky right? I searched everywhere to find a job I wanted, while staying at a place I hated just to get by. Lucky that I applied and waited patiently to hear back and lucky to get an interview and thank god luck got me the job. Not my skills or my ambition to get what I wanted. I feel the same way I always did about her even now. I hate myself for feeling like maybe I should have done something to help her cause now we are so far grown apart, nothing will ever be the same. Right.