I'm in Vegas for work, and I'm not enjoying anything the city has to offer and the area I'm in is not so nice. North Vegas to be exact. Maybe it's just me but things here are different than anywhere else. I'll talk more about that later, It's bed time for me.
I have to start being a better friend to everyone. I'm usually quiet and closed off about my personal life because I never know how people will take me being gay. I mean I'm not sure how I feel about it anymore. I am gay. I have a partner of 7 years, we have a house together and a car and a checking account, so why can't I come out? Guys at work want to come over and see my house and want to know what's going on with me, but I would just rather not talk about any of it and not come out and hide it all and let it eat me alive for lying about myself, than just tell them and end my internal nightmare. Why?
Work has been busy the last couple of days. I've been alone and that's really the way I like it because I can just do what I want and pace myself to get things done, but I also like when the guys are there becasue we have a good time together. I also feel like I don't step up at work as much as I should. We go to jobs together and I just sort step back and handle the prep work and let the others do the actual "work" while I just support them and make sure tey have what they need. I do this because they have more experience than me and I feel like they could do it better and faster, and frankly I don't like beng watched and talked about about how I might have done something. I would just rather step back and be in the crowd.
Random I know but that's what's on my mind.
Mom just called me to let me know that Martha Stewart is on Letterman.....wow even my mom knows I'm gay!
Go ahead and try it.
So I start getting pressure from my family to help her since I had no problem getting in. I had no idea how to help her. I was horrible at standardized tests. I took my SAT like 4 times and my ACT three times just to get a minimum grade to be considered for acceptance to college. The TAAS tests I took twice. So I got in right? I barely got in and I had to work hard to stay there. School has always come easy for me in a way but college was different. I was coming out and finding out who I was and it was really weird. I didn’t want to do anything. I took 5 years to finish and that was after I failed out and took a forced year off because of academic suspension. So I worked for that whole year, and went back even after people told me I wouldn’t. I knew I would and I did with flying colors. Deans List twice and Presidents List my last semester. However now that I go home with a new job and a seemingly perfect life after graduating I get a very bitter feeling from her and other family because she couldn't get in or because I didn't help. I had NO help at all. I applied on my own and took all of the tests alone and failed and passed on my own. I got government grants and financial aide. I worked and took 21 hours because I wanted too so I could prove to myself and others that I had done it.
She has a baby now and went to cosmetology school and is working at a salon she likes but I still feel very cold when I see her. She's very short with me like I abandoned her. I did not. She could have done what I did. Studied for months and taken classes to help her. It just makes me mad that everyone around me thinks things come so easy for me. I hide things well and don't like to talk about my flaws; I just do what I have too. Now this job even, "You're so lucky because that's a great job." Yeah I know it's a great job, and it took four months to find while I'm going out of my mind into a depression because I felt lost not knowing where I would be this time next year. Lucky right? I searched everywhere to find a job I wanted, while staying at a place I hated just to get by. Lucky that I applied and waited patiently to hear back and lucky to get an interview and thank god luck got me the job. Not my skills or my ambition to get what I wanted. I feel the same way I always did about her even now. I hate myself for feeling like maybe I should have done something to help her cause now we are so far grown apart, nothing will ever be the same. Right.